Jean-Mimi’s Diary – August 6th, 2018

this is my diary where i keep all my sekrets. do not read unless your name is also jean-michel aulas, president of ol but soon to be president of all football

Mood: Annoyed

dear diary,

i am very mad at all other clubs in the world. their players want to come to ol but their clubs won’t let them follow their dreams

ruben called me today and was crying to come to lyon. benfica has locked him in his apartment and threw away the keys.

yerry emailed me yesterday to tell me that barcelona were trying to force him to play for everton even though he wants to play for lyon. barca said they would send him back to colombia if he didn’t listen

victor also really wants to come to ol but jose mourinho not only said no but also took away victor’s phone. that’s why no one has heard from him ever since. but victor found a pigeon who delivered a note to me, so i know he’s alive

and no one knows this but cristiano ronaldo winked at me a few months ago, which in football sign language means he also wants to play for lyon. sadly it didn’t work out because i cannot afford all his hair products

but all these clubs gave me a good idea. i will take away nabil’s phone. only if liverpool pay me 70 millions euros will I give it back

i will look into it tomorrow

i have the best ideas! no wonder i am best club president in the world!!!

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Jean-Mimi’s Diary – July 27th, 2018

this is my diary where i keep all my sekrets. do not read unless your name is also jean-michel aulas, president of ol but soon to be president of all football

Mood: Confused

dear diary,

i don’t understand, liverpool don’t write, they don’t call

why are they ignoring me???

i am being so nice, letting them know they can have nabil. all they have to do is meet my price of a billion euros

what more do they want

english people are losers. unless they are giving me money. then i love them

they keep whining about nabil’s knee. i don’t know what world they’re living in, but show me a footballer who never got injured and i’ll show you a st etienne team that can win the league. lol

plus we all know that premier league turns healthy people into patients, so nabil will come to them all ready to go

whatever. i don’t want to sell nabil anyway. i’m going to keep him and we will win the champions league after a penalty shootout with liverpool, and nabil will score our last penalty and also block their last shot, and then he will call the police and get their team bus towed

then when they try to buy him again i’m going to tell them to take a knee because i’m vindictive like that

Jean-Mimi’s Diary – July 26th, 2018

this is my diary where i keep all my sekrets. do not read unless your name is also jean-michel aulas, president of ol but soon to be president of all football

Mood: Greedy

dear diary,

today, west ham sent me another bid for marcelo, this time for €25m. are they dumb or what.

we found him in the bargain basement of a turkish rug store last year. he was covered with cobwebs and smelled like mothballs. i got him for €7m, which is less than my yearly scarf allowance.

haha! joke’s on them!!!!!

marcelo’s not even that good, plus he’s already a million years old. any contract he signs will need to include a retirement pension.

west ham still want him anyway, but i guess there’s no accounting for taste. i said no again because they are dumb enough to offer more money.

i am so smart

i don’t want to hurt marcelo’s feelings because he’s a nice guy, even if he has the personality of a carpet. so i am acting like i want him to stay. i offered him a salary increase of 0.01 percent. i also threw in a few discount meal vouchers for the groupama restaurant and a mug that said “my mug”

i am also so generous

best president ever, amirite????